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  • Tony Land

Where's your head at?

No I'm not referring to the 2001 Alt-rock hit by the Basement Jaxx. Nor am I speaking about the single most asked question of my parents when I was growing up. For those nautically unaware, a "head" is sailor-speak for a toilet on a boat, and the most frequently asked question when customers step aboard our dive boats for the first time, is "Where can I find this?" The short answer is, "You can't. We don't have one." The immediate follow up question is of course: “why not?”

This is most certainly not what you will find on a dive boat.

It’s hard for our staff to give a more detailed answer to this question, and this is because of the massive flood of horrible thoughts that immediately pop into our minds. When a customer asks me this question, I will stare at them and blink repeatedly for 10 seconds, while my brain spins its wheels frantically trying to change the subject.

So if you refuse to accept this at face value, and you really must know the reason, it is because a marine head is a disgusting pit of hell, and divemasters working on boats equipped with toilets, spend most of their time unclogging them covered in feces. If they are lucky, only up to their elbows. That’s not something you’ll see on the PADI professional marketing materials by the way. If this answer still is not sufficient, I've explained it all in great detail below. You've been warned.

Divemasters working on boats equipped with marine heads would very much like to imagine this.

When writing this article, I looked up the word ‘hell’ to find a suitable synonym to describe the marine head. Immediately Google’s definition appeared: “ Hell is a location in which evil souls are subjected to punitive suffering.” Replace the words ‘evil souls’ with ‘dive instructors’ and you know what? Hell is the right word to use here. To he